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No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.~Abraham Lincoln


Funny Good Memory

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.~Abraham Lincoln


Funny Coffee Me

First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you try and just do comedy about who is dating who and lifestyle jokes, it gets tiring after a while. It's hard to be funny in that realm.~Adam McKay


Funny Dating Living

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.~Adlai E. Stevenson


Funny Horse Look

Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of humor.~Al Franken


Funny Good Humor

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.~Al Yankovic


Funny Work Writing

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'~Al Yankovic


Funny Music People

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.~Alanis Morissette


Love Funny You

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.~Amy Poehler


Funny Yourself Remember

I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius.~Amy Poehler


Funny Genius You

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.~Anthony Burgess


Funny Alone Sleep

Every dogma has its day.~Anthony Burgess


Funny Day Dogma

No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was.~Annie Leibovitz


Funny Thought He

When I first began to write fiction, I didn't think I was a comic writer; I thought I was a serious writer. I was surprised when the first novel I wrote was regarded as a funny novel.~Anthony Burgess


Funny Think Thought

I'm a natural clown, I suppose, in writing, and one has to accept that; I can't do anything about it. I have written one or two novels which are not specifically funny. I wrote a study of Shakespeare which was not intended to be funny, but some people regard it as such.~Anthony Burgess


Funny Writing People

I can't stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people - it really cheers me up.~Ariana Grande


Love Funny Family

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.~Arnold Schwarzenegger


Funny Simple Fat

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?~Arnold Schwarzenegger


Funny Woman Problem

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.~Arthur C. Clarke


Funny Best Honesty

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.~Arthur C. Clarke


Funny Intelligence Value

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.~Arthur Conan Doyle


Funny Man Brain

It's so funny, I've done so many projects where I've been interrogated. I guest starred on almost every hour drama, and I'm always the guy they think is the bad guy but then they find out is not.~Aaron Paul


Funny Think Find

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.~Adam Carolla


Funny You Kid

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'~Adam Carolla


Funny Daughter Humor

As a comedian, it really gelled when I started doing standup. Because standup is so much about bravery, especially in the early days. There is no doubt that it is going to go terribly for you over and over and over again. But you cannot get funny without bombing.~Aisha Tyler


Funny Bravery Doing

I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist. You know when you realize you have a choice and I'm choosing my homeland. It's funny: when you get older these things creep up to you.~Alan Cumming


Funny Choice You

It's funny: in the middle of making 'The Muse,' I was offered, at the time, the first 'Ice Age,' the part that Ray Romano took: I was offered the elephant. And I couldn't even stop to breathe, so I didn't do it. They've made, like, six of them. And in the animation business, for a voice actor, that's what you want. You want six, you know?~Albert Brooks


Funny Time Business

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.~Alexander Woollcott


Funny Everything Like

It's funny because I think that both France and Britain are known for their distinctive styles, and everyone says that France is so chic and elegant but I think, more than that, French women are renowned for dressing in what suits them.~Alexa Chung


Funny Women Think

When life partner happens, I hope he is not a youth icon then because I doubt even I would be youthful then. Whether life partner is hot or not, that doesn't matter. He has to be a nice man. He should be funny, responsible, and he should be sweet, and he should love me a lot.~Alia Bhatt


Life Love Funny

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.~Alice Roosevelt Longworth


Funny Me Nice

Sometimes fake laughing is hard once you've done a scene 18 times. I don't want to brag, but I have a reputation for being very, very good at that. It's funny finding what's challenging about acting as you go.~Allison Williams


Funny Good Reputation

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.~Alice Roosevelt Longworth


Funny Looks He

I've done so many funny jobs. I worked at a farmer's market through high school. I worked in the stock room of Ralph Lauren. I graduated to salesperson at Ralph Lauren, which was a big deal to me. I've been a P.A. I've been a stand-in. I've been an assistant's assistant.~Allison Williams


Funny School High School

I think universities are trying to figure out how we could use what we know about learning to change our education system, but it is sort of funny that they don't necessarily seem to be consulting the people who are sitting right there on campus.~Alison Gopnik


Funny Education Change

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.~Amy Schumer


Funny Road Living

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.~Amy Schumer


Funny Work Best

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.~Amy Schumer


Funny People Laugh

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.~Andre Maurois


Funny Words Simple

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.~Andre Maurois


Love Funny Romantic

As young as I look, I think it will still be funny if I played a person who's kind of tortured and hates his life. Kind of like a Larry David-type thing.~Andy Milonakis


Life Funny Young

I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show.~Andy Cohen


Love Funny Queen

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.~Artie Lange


Funny Nothing Want

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.~Artie Lange


Funny Greatest World

I just love carbs. And when I'm on vacation I definitely allow myself carbs, so it's always funny when people are like, 'Oh my gosh, you look great in your bikini.' I'm like, 'If you only knew what I had for breakfast!'~Ashley Tisdale


Love Funny Myself

It's funny because there's a part of me that, if something is popular, I sort of become a defiant teenager about it. Like, 'Oh, I'm not gonna like that because everybody likes it.'~AJ Lee


Funny Me Popular

You re-watch 'Napoleon Dynamite', and there's a lot of thrift shopping that goes on in that movie; there's a lot of funny stuff. It's definitely amusing, and paying 99 cents for a samurai sword is amazing.~Al Madrigal


Funny Amazing Shopping

My primary responsibility is to be funny.~Al Madrigal


Funny Responsibility

But it is funny, because I saw Unbreakable recently and it's a strange movie, I didn't mind it, and it's got some interesting things going on.~Alex Winter


Funny Mind Strange

Same thing, like my commercials are often times really funny because I tend to find 30 seconds is a really good amount of time to tell a joke.~Alex Winter


Funny Time Good

I got the wake-up call that no one is policing our oceans. I wondered, how can I do anything? What really can I do to make things better? There are some perks to being a celebrity. My job is to be funny once in a while, but it's my responsibility to make good use of it.~Angela Kinsey


Funny Good Job

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.~Anna Held


Funny Eyes Think

My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.~Anna Held


Funny Dog Pet

Rapping can be repetition sometimes. Sometimes you gotta highlight your words in a certain kind of way. So I always was a fan of sing-rapping. It was always funny to me a little bit, and I think that being funny and being able to laugh, even at yourself, is a form of flattery.~ASAP Ferg


Funny Words Yourself

I do quite like sightseeing. I like churches, museums, galleries and all that stuff. I love the smell of a church in Italy or the smell of an old greasy spoon somewhere. I like markets and little funny shops in the backstreets of Florence.~Ashley Jensen


Love Funny Church

I know what I look like. I'm not a babe who's automatically going to be the leading-lady type. I think I would always be cast as the friend. I probably tend to look crap more often than I look good. I like messing around and pulling funny faces and doing funny walks.~Ashley Jensen


Funny Good Friend

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.~Arthur Smith


Funny Laughter World

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.~Arthur Smith


Funny Relationship History

I'm a normal person. You say something about me, I'm going to say something back, funny or not. I'm just going to be me. It's nothing against them. I'm just doing what you do to me.~Austin Seferian-Jenkins


Funny Me Doing

I remember watching Margaret Cho with my grandmother on TV. She was my hero, not only because she was funny, but because she showed me that it's okay to be yourself, that it's okay to be a brash yellow girl and to be a strong and brave woman.~Awkwafina


Funny Woman Be Yourself

I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they're trying to stab you in the back.~Aaron Douglas


Funny Time Team

It's funny, the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast, loose and improvised, and get somebody to laugh.~Abel Ferrara


Funny Laugh Look

'Entourage' was a show that existed around wish-fulfillment. People watched it because they wanted to believe they could go on private jets and be hanging out in Hollywood, but as a show, comedically, it was not funny. Not a funny show. It's funny, ironically, because of how terrible it is.~Adam Pally


Funny People Believe

My wife and I ran through 'Justified' in, like, a day. And that is such a funny, amazing show.~Adam Pally


Funny Wife Day

The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking.~Agyness Deyn


Funny Character Man

It's funny, but when there are dominant teams, there are a number of people who rail about the fact that they're always seeing the Dallas Cowboys or the San Francisco 49ers or the Green Bay either in the playoffs or in the Super Bowl.~Al Michaels


Funny People Green

That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know. It seemed like a big joke. But I think the guy's for real, and I like his lyrics!~Alan Vega


Funny Man Laugh

It's funny: the reason I did 'Beautiful Creatures' was the same reason I did everything else - even though it was a genre film and existed at a more studio level, the script and the characters were so well written.~Alden Ehrenreich


Funny Beautiful Everything

My daughters are both funny and smart and lots of fun. They play lacrosse, soccer, musical instruments, like to cook with me, and are naturals in the swimming pool. Honestly, though, what I like doing most with them is eating. I've worked really hard to make sure they are willing to try all sorts of different foods.~Alexi Zentner


Funny Smart Fun

It's a bit like school camp, shooting a film. Everyone's on heat. It's a strange energy. It's full of adrenalin. I funnel my excess energy in funny little ways. I do a lot of dancing in my trailer. I love music.~Alice Englert


Love Funny Music

If you can be funny, it means you're intelligent. Your brain is working fast.~Amber Valletta


Funny Brain Intelligent

Claude Kirk could be hysterically funny and fearlessly bold, and he championed the environment, education, and diversity long before those issues were fashionable.~Ander Crenshaw


Funny Education Diversity

In terms of being vulgar, I don't think you need to be violent unless it's slapstick, violence to yourself. That can be funny - we've all tripped and fallen on our faces.~Andy Dick


Funny Violence Yourself

I was attracted to people who were funny because I wanted to be in that world.~Anne Beatts


Funny World People

If you think of the people who are funny in your life, you'll note it's not because they tell jokes, it's because of their character. If you develop characters, then you'll know them, and you'll know how they'll speak. The comedy will come out of the character.~Anne Beatts


Life Funny Character

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.~Anthony Jeselnik


Funny Think Seeing

I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.~Anthony Anderson


Funny Family Nobody

It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds.~Anthony Anderson


Funny Diamonds Trying

I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion.~Anthony Anderson


Funny Actor Occasion

I think 'Breaking Bad' is brilliant. Good drama in the U.S. is also so funny and blurs the line between light and dark.~Arthur Darvill


Funny Good Light

It's funny, though, because when I first started going to races after we met, I was extremely nervous. It's like being backstage and hoping you don't trip over something or break an amp or accidentally speak into a live microphone, so I was really hesitant.~Ashley Judd


Funny Speak Live

I'd rather proliferate funny little rumors than not.~Autre Ne Veut


Funny Rumors Rather

It's funny because if you ever ask anyone in England to try and do a Beatles accent, no one knows what they really sound like. If you ask anyone in America, they would try and give it a go. English people just know their songs.~Aaron Johnson


Funny People America

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House.~Adlai Stevenson


Funny Me White

If you're funny as a woman, people think it might be because someone else helped you.~Alice Lowe


Funny Woman People

I think comedy, so much of it comes out of the strange sort of golden instant 'cause you don't know why it's funny, but you captured it.~Alice Lowe


Funny Strange You

I love doing comedy, and that's the thing I will always go back to, really, but I'd love to have the freedom to do sort of 'meaty' roles but also have the freedom to do the sort of films I want to make, like what Woody Allen does. You forget he's funny because you're so gripped by the story, but they still make you laugh.~Alice Lowe


Love Funny Freedom

People say to me 'You're a big Hollywood star', and I find it so funny. I still feel as though I'm the girl from Golders Green. I lead such a boring, normal life. I still go shopping in Sainsbury's. If the ability to do that was taken away from me, I'd go barmy. You lose your freedom. Be careful what you wish for.~Amanda Donohoe


Life Funny Freedom

It's funny to see the finished product of a movie, stuff that's so beautiful, and to remember the particulars.~Amy Ryan


Funny Beautiful Remember

It's funny, there are so many women who are former executives and have taken all that stress and anxiety and transferred it onto their kids.~Ana Gasteyer


Funny Women Stress

'Ugly Betty' has been the most important thing I've ever done, easily. I was able to do more with one character than I can ever imagine doing again - Hilda was hilariously funny and emotionally deep... I really got to showcase what I could do with a character.~Ana Ortiz


Funny Deep Character

Since she got a cause and stopped being funny. I think she's real funny, but lately it's all been hearts and flowers and tears and saving teenagers and creating a role model. And that ain't funny. No giggles there.~Andy Richter


Funny Flowers Role Model

It's funny, because 'Arrested Development' is tied to Andy Richter in a few different ways. For me personally, after I did Andy Richter, one of the next things I did was a show called 'Quintuplets' for a season for Fox, and this was while 'Arrested Development' was on. I used to go over and hang out on their set.~Andy Richter


Funny Me Fox

I want to get back and figure out how we're going to make 'The Tonight Show' funny and good.~Andy Richter


Funny Good Want

Everybody's funny if you love them.~Anna Torv


Love Funny You

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.'~Anna Torv


Funny End Saying

I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding.~Anne Robinson


Funny I Am Dating

It's funny, like 15 years ago when I was a kid doing all the John Hughes movies, I remember Bruce Willis was the only guy who was transitioning from television into film.~Anthony Michael Hall


Funny Remember Television

What's funny is my husband doesn't have any tattoos at all, so he must be the very conservative one.~Ashley Scott


Funny Husband Conservative

'Copper' is my first period piece. It's funny because I've been doing a lot of episodes of 'Elementary' with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu; they keep bringing me back on the show, and so I go from being an outstanding black doctor to being a kind of hood, ex-car thief who went through rehab in 'Elementary.'~Ato Essandoh


Funny Doctor Black

Even though I never worked with her, it was still really cool to have Brooke Shields on set. She was so nice and so funny.~Atticus Shaffer


Funny Cool Nice

I wasn't a class clown, I just found at an early age that I was able to make people laugh. So I mostly wrote funny stuff instead of writing what I was supposed to be writing.~Alan Zweibel


Funny Age Writing

Whether it's an innate ability or an acquired way of regarding the world around us, being labeled as funny can only be accepted as a compliment.~Alan Zweibel


Funny World Compliment

We developed our own type of Igudesman and Joo electric violin, let's say, and funny enough, the shape of it was developed by the head technician of Steinway. It's actually an electric violin, which is made from the stick that holds up the piano lid.~Aleksey Igudesman


Funny Head Violin

We are fans of Mozart and Beethoven, as well 'South Park' and Borat. We believe that we can attract many people who eschew the serious ambiance of concert halls and don't go to classical music concerts because of such reasons. However, there is a 'serious humor' on the stage: funny and ridiculous. That is important!~Aleksey Igudesman


Funny Music Humor

You don't think that mean people can be funny, and Jane Lynch is the epitome of that. If there could be, like, a gay version of 'Mean Girls,' I'd totally be in it.~Alex Newell


Funny People Gay

When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get into, and reality is that. I'm not really into serious programmes or documentaries.~Amy Childs


Funny Work Day

On 'Workaholics,' I feel like I'm just hanging out with my buddies being filmed, but on 'Mindy,' I'm around professional funny people who act. Guys like Chris Messina, who are the real deal. I watch what they do and put my own spin on it.~Anders Holm


Funny People Professional

I think I'm one of those guys who was sort of always in comedy. I thought of myself - and other people seemed to think of me - as funny from a very young age. I was a very young comedy nerd and I even did sketch comedy in high school and college. I wrote and shot sketches on video and acted in them.~Andy Daly


Funny Myself Age

GamerGate is really a sexist temper tantrum. That's kind of a silly, funny way of putting it, but it's kind of what it feels like, right? They're going after and targeting women who are trying to make changes in the industry. They're attacking anyone who supports women.~Anita Sarkeesian


Funny Women Changes

What I've understood is that to be funny is not my job. To see funny is my job.~Anna D. Shapiro


Funny Job See

When I was right out of college, I felt competitive with some of the guys in my class over career stuff. It's funny now to think about it - that a friend getting a job or something had anything to do with me... I think that my relationship with my wife has played a pivotal role in the chilling out of Aaron.~Aaron Staton


Funny Wife Relationship

I'm a sucker for Thought Catalog. Shelby Fero is really funny on Twitter. And Patton Oswalt, he's sort of like a Twitter throb.~Addison Timlin


Funny Thought Like

Of course 'we humans' have a funny relationship with the beings with whom we share our planet. We eat them, we care for them, we admire them, we use them.~April Gornik


Funny Relationship Care

I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true.~Azita Ghanizada


Love Funny Sexy

When I'm doing a drama, I wish I was doing something funny. When I'm doing something funny, I wish I was doing something more serious. I think it's just human nature.~Alan Ruck


Funny Nature Wish

It's funny because looking back at my first contest, I was 15 and surfing the Haleiwa contest wearing this tiny bikini. I remember not even thinking twice about wearing it - I just thought it was normal.~Alana Blanchard


Funny Thinking Remember

Usually, impersonations come out of something you dig, because you're listening to it over and over. And you kind of start developing... You're really trying to emulate them, then you realize, 'I sound ridiculous doing this. Oh, hey, maybe this is a funny impersonation.'~Alex Borstein


Funny Listening Doing

Being effective at social media, whether for business or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They're only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thing more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar.~Alexis Ohanian


Funny Business People

Baseball players practice, runners practice, so how can you practice being funny? You get up onstage. You train as an improviser, playing make-believe, using the vernacular of improvisation, saying 'yes and' to other people's ideas, making statements.~Ali Farahnakian


Funny Baseball People

Teaching someone to be funny is like teaching someone to be fast. They're already fast. You're just making them faster.~Ali Farahnakian


Funny You Fast

It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion.~Aml Ameen


Life Funny Best

I like to invest as a performer in the director's vision and then bring a sense of reality to whatever I'm doing, whether it's comedy or whether it's drama, and trust that they're going to tell me if something's reading as funny or if it's reading as dramatic or reading in the right tone.~Amy Seimetz


Funny Trust Vision

I don't think that there's necessarily a side to drama that has to be completely bleak. You have to have a flicker of humor 'cause everyone has a flicker of humor, something they find funny in life.~Amy Seimetz


Life Funny Humor

It was Nick Willing's intention to make 'Hatter' as sarcastically British funny as he could.~Andrew-Lee Potts


Funny Willing Intention

Somebody said, 'Get your agent to call the new Bob Cummings show. They're looking for a funny lady.' Within three hours, I had the job. That was January 1955. I had such fun with that show.~Ann B. Davis


Funny Job Fun

It's funny - my wife is more jealous of my books than of other women because I'm always working and thinking about my books.~Antonio Lobo Antunes


Funny Wife Women

I'm not a person who can spontaneously say funny things.~Ashley Williams


Funny Say Person